Maybe from the title, you might think so. But that's not what I mean. What I mean is that-I've kind of lost my point in high school. I know I know what you might be thinking of. Just another lost teen in the crowd. Well anyways, I continue.

    High school romances are so outdated. They're hidden and preserved safely behind Grease movie posters and sweet novels of love at first sight. Maybe, maybe not. But the romance now is not it at all: pushed and shoved to the craze of lust and parties. I remember the times when the first hear of curse words would get my attention of disgust. Well now, it seems I've come a long way down there. This is freshman year. Fresh-very fresh, in a way. I'm used to it now, but it was at first. I didn't like it. A lot of people like to swear to look like they're saying something important and small conversations run at a low, useless way of who's-dating-whos and who-hates-whos. I've never had a date, and I never had someone I hated except for very young, childhood days. But still, it didn't seem important.
    Now maybe, from this, you can see my general person. I am, for sure, a innocence at heart. Do you call this youthful innocence? Or--maybe--that still yearning direction of doing things right since you were a kid. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying no one else does, for certain people do, but just that a group of people like to listen to their eyes more than they do themselves. For example, that silent Cameron guy that sits a table next to me and only talks when it's about stealing or humorous stories of ripping someone off of something important. I am not kidding. Never talk. I have tried, I still do. He still seems like a "right" person. The type of person that doesn't talk too much simply because and doesn't ask for help simply because. I appreciate them, I really do. I was like them, like that (and still, to a degree, am) and it's self-reflecting and personal. He just didn't seem like the kind of person that would jack cars or steal from stores. I can't understand that. But I guess I never will.

     Well the whole point of this entry was because I'm lost now and not sure what to do or what place does this puzzle piece fall upon--drawing a blank in places for answers.

 

Not admitting that you fell for him

But he never loved you back.

Not admitting that you’re still falling,

But you like to see him lack.

See you,

See you there again.

 

Making time between and stalling.

 

Just wave goodbye,

And turn around,

And hope it’s true

That it’s not you.

Later for now,

Opening forever.

 

Sure she’s falling,

You’re both falling.

But then running from the door.

Can you say it was worth it,

Purging your heart tin

Inside and out, then

 

Looking and thoughts run,

Standing and watching,

Fumbling and tripping

Under the ceiling.

 

Nothing left:

The identity theft.

 

Small lost kiss,

From last year, you missed

And fell

From the sky,

His eyes passing by.

Looking back, then walk on,

Stupid, pathetic,

Growing long.

OVER IT I'm over it. For now I'm OVER IT. Stay happy. For now just stay happy. No more caring, no more concern. Leaving again. I'll still think about it, but even when I do it'd make no difference in my day. They are over it, then so should I. "Past the sign, all down the road."

So I haven't been honest to myself. I haven't thought about it as far as I've always wanted to; always thinking that there was nothing left. It's hard to want to say it all, because I've never have. So, here it goes:



I feel very foolish whenever I think about it. Am I just lying to myself, do I even know if I'm lying. It's so stupid now, because I'm back to square one. New school, new grade, new people and morals. I've lost my glasses, hairstyle and old clothes, feeling more free and loose now that I deal with it like I want to. Now people look at me differently. I don't know if it's just me, but they do. It's almost uncomforting or flattering, but the whole moral of it's useless, meaningless. And that girl in my last class still hates me more, though I've never figured why. I never liked her plastic smile or way, it seemed fake and unreal, but she always seemed happy all the time, but I don't think that's true. She'd give me glances that are more frequent than one would want to with a more sad, angry expression than her usual. and my neighboring classmate would make funny faces at her for doing that.
Anyways, I'm still lost at the moment. There is this one person that I've never gotten around to thinking about. But I do, whenever that one song comes up in the day or I find myself somewhere more familiar than I want to be. It's a "mystery," and I hope that that wasn't the only thing that kept me clinging on to lost hope.

Here I am, all this time and no idea how to spend it. Well this marks something in my life bout how I am doing. I am working on a painting, it's coming out pretty good. I'm experimenting with a different style and state of mind in the art, and I like it. It's on the back of another painting, another painting that is completely different from the other side. That supposed to have a sort of meaning to it? I don't know, it's a bonus.

Trapped in this house, I'm going outside. Miscellaneous bike ride to somewhere and back. I went to downtown, and it's the great things that I've noticed. The small, scrabby shops lined side by side each other, and if you ever mind to go inside it's a different world from the main stream. Like you're back in the 80's or something. I've seen that used record and CD store that played jazz music with a foreign spin, and unfamiliar records of old and modern bands. The people that come look as if they come from a unique perspective. One of them wore a long, gray coat and a bowler hat, like he accompanied Sherlock Holmes, though he didn't mind, and that was comforting to know. If you know what I mean. There's a vintage t-shirt store next to it that smells kind of funny and is lined with a retro style. I don't know..I kind of like the old, forgotten taste of last century that so few are into. And when I step out of the shop I'm brought back to the new and fresh taste of today. Keep walking. I don't understand today's taste. I don't feel connected. And sometimes, what I say don't come in the right moment, even if it is what I think. Maybe uncomforting to them, but I can't help it, nor do I mind as much. 

Best way to comprehend, I paint and draw. And when I'm done, I am kind of used to my creation so until I'm away it doesn't look all that different from everything else. I hear compliments of it but I'm not really on the right page as them. Guess that's the kind of face achievers have when they look at their success and show a sort of content look about it.

The best things I've heard so far are in movies, books and diaries. I don't hear it from anyone but outlets they create, which is kind of ridiculous, why won't anyone say these things when they have so much to say?  Unless they are supposed to.

I'm not sure if I'll ever finish that story. I'm beginning to hate it. I do hate it. And it was of my childhood days. Not the dance, there wasn't one. And now here's another story that rolls on.

   I know somehow, there is a bad result of that story that continues on to the next. I know it. I can say I changed. I felt as if I've been through enough and I've changed, and I fear the consequences of this new change. I would never say this. Not anywhere..but this is the one place, my writing.
   Something brews in me everyday. Everyday, I haven't figured it out. It wasn't depression, I know well what that felt and it wasn't depression to which I knew no reason to. This I'm feeling a lock-down.

     Why was I here? I was confused, why was I here. I looked at the door, then I came back at the crowd. No, there was something here. I needed to know, something.

     Time goes by so slowly when you are watching it. I was waiting. How stupid! How stupid I looked, sitting there alone. I got out of that dance. I wanted to run, but I just kept walking. It goes by sometimes that I don't say a word the whole day and get away with it. People still asked me why, and it pained me so much. I couldn't give a right answer. Or even that I dont want to know.
     I went outside and the one thing I couldn't figure was if I was to run so fast home or walk slowly. What was there to look forward to. "It sucks at home and it sucks at school!" I did that every so often, most of the time I didnt mean to. I couldnt figure if I said it aloud or in my head. I truly could not. I really dont think I did anything wrong. I tried to see just for reason, and there was nothing there.
     So it's been so many years that Ive gone on like this. Years! Its been like this for years! Why! Just what was so wrong with me that people dont want to deal with! I have not done anything, but still they look at me, so disgusted as if Ive done something wrong. It wont go away. I look at them, trying to find something that I can relate to. Or, at least RESEMBLE it.
     I think I am behind the times.  I am still lagging behind. My best and worst times, I am by myself. I was just by accident. Somebody picked me for this,and I bear it in me.

     Sometimes I am being used. So what? What is so bothering about that. You look at me and see this, but I dont think so. She is a comforting person to be with. And everyday, I bring something for her, something to please her. She is my friend. It's at least that that I like about her. When she asks me question, questions I don't want to answer. I really just dont know if I was to smile or cry. So I laughed and hope it had no meaning to that laugh. If I could trust my own replies.
     And other times, she would turn on me and act against me, like everything Ive done was wrong. So has two sides, but her other side is always the best. And that is what I like about her. I dont think this is wrong, so dont tell me it is. I dont have any concern for that. Theres just not enough room for that...